Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Mommy Guilt

I have often said, "there is no guilt, like a mother's guilt."  I say this and sometimes I get strange looks.  First, I should preface the conversation with the fact that in general, I have a guilty conscience.  I was the kid who totally ratted herself out when she stole from the cookie jar. 

I would literally get sick to my stomach if I thought I had done something wrong, upset my mother or somehow caused a problem.  I was very shy and always VERY guilty.  Although I never did anything wrong!  My moral compass was set to a very low tolerance of wrong and a profound need to be righteous all the time. 

Fastfoward to mommyhood, oy vey this is a difficult thing.  Parenting is by far the hardest job in the world.  So many little tiny decisions every day that make up the character of a little tiny person who may rule the world one day, how much pressure is that?  So when I have the chance to stew in a little guilt, I take it.  It may seem crazy to you, but it is cathartic to me.  Let's just say it reminds me of my childhood.

Jac has been gone for three nights.  And the kicker is, I have slept great!  I mentioned that nightmare that I had about him a few days ago.  Well, I haven't even had a dream since.  Mia has been sleeping in until 8:30, I have been getting up around 7:30 and moseying downstairs.  Breakfast has been peaceful, wow, here comes the guilt.  I didn't think I would sleep at all and here I am sleeping like a ... well we all know that babies don't sleep, why isn't the saying "sleeping like a teenager", now they can sleep!

Jac and Mia are like twins.  They are somewhat yin and yang, they are peanut butter and jelly, ice cream and apple pie, popcorn and a movie, they just fit.  Mia is a little lost without him, but I must say it has been a very peaceful few days.  We all have been resting and relaxing, in fact I am worried that we probably will have put on some weight since the little guy has been gone.  He is the motivator, the mover and the shaker, the "what can we do now" kid. 

Mia keeps trying to tell me that he will be a back in two days.  I keep telling her that no, it will be longer than that.  Right now, we are doing good.  We miss him, but oh the sleep is fantastic.  I can't wait to see his cute little face with those lovely blue eyes though. 

And anybody who says you don't sleep well with a guilty conscience, well they were just plain wrong!

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