Book Review: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

I highly recommend this book for anyone in a relationship - any relationship. I feel that Gary Chapman's theory could be applied to any relationship you are struggling with or that you would like to move to a deeper level.

The writing is just so-so, but Chapman is very genuine and he tells lovely stories about some of the couples he has helped. It is an easy and quick read and you can skim through parts of it to make it faster. The important parts are where he describes each love language and where he gives examples of how couples have missed communicating to each other in those languages.

The book describes how each of us has a preferred love language. A love language is a way of giving and receiving love that makes us feel loved by another individual. Chapman breaks down love languages into five categories: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts and Physical Touch. It is interesting to note that many times we give love either in the way we want to be loved or in how we were loved most as children, but unless we are lucky and have a happy coincidence we aren't loving our mate in the way THEY need to be loved. I love that Chapman uses a gas tank as an analogy for how loved we feel. The love tank is a nice visual, when spouses speak to each other in their love languages, their love tanks fill up!

There is a quiz at the end of the book to help you understand what your love language is; this is what we did on the drive to my parent's for Thanksgiving. It was kind of fun doing it together. The interesting part of course are the results and interpreting those results.

Not surprising my love language is "Words of Affirmation". I pretty much guessed this after reading the book and before taking the quiz. I am like a peacock who preens after someone gives me a compliment or tries to build me up. And equally so on the negative side, say a harsh word to me and I am a complete mess. The second most important love language for me is "Quality Time". I definitely want Jeff's time, especially after becoming a stay at home mom. With young ones a person can feel like they have done 10 hours of solitary confinement when Daddy finally walks through the door, and if he then browses the mail during dinner and watches 6 hours of football before stumbling to bed - well you can guess that my love tank isn't very full. The most interesting part of my evaluation was that my lowest scoring love language was "Acts of Service".

Coincidentally, when Jeff wants to show me some love, he does something for me. And when he goes above and beyond with an "Act of Service", I had better be pretty darned appreciative and my love tank better be full or he is going to get a bit peeved with me. But the problem is my love tank doesn't get filled up by "Acts of Service". Little does he know (although he should know after we took the quizzes together) that all he has to do is say, "Wow, you look really great today" or "That meatloaf was excellent I really enjoyed it" or "The house smells good, did you clean today" or "I read your blog today and it was really good" (need I go on?)

It gets even more interesting. Upon taking Jeff's evaluation, we discovered that Jeff's primary love language is also "Words of Affirmation"! Which really kind of surprised me, I would have guessed that "Words of Affirmation" was high up, but I would have thought that "Acts of Service" would have been at the top.

I think that why Jeff gives love through "Acts of Service" is because that is how his parents give love. They are amazingly generous with their time, energy and resources to everyone; but most of all their children. He saw this as a model growing up, and it is such a great one I might add, that he now uses it as an adult. What a funny sense of humor God has that he would pick a mate for Jeff like me who not only doesn't really get much out of people doing things for me (I must say that I am so appreciative of my mother and father in-law, I hope they don't take this the wrong way) but also has a love language that actually plays to Jeff's weakness. He has told me in the past that he isn't very good at compliments and that although he likes them, when he gives them he feels that everyone will think he is being disingenuous!

Anyway, back to Jeff's evaluation. His quiz revealed that "Receiving Gifts" and "Physical Touch" tied for second place and that "Quality Time" was on the bottom. I am not the biggest gift giver in the world, it is not that I don't care it is that I don't even think about buying the gift when I am out of town or shopping or running errands. I have to try to do better at this one. And anyone who knows me knows that "Physical Touch" has a time and a place, I am not a hugger, I am not a toucher. When I am busy or in a hurry or just feeling uncomfortable in a situation, I do not want to be touched. Jeff likes hugs and kisses and hand holding, which of course I like - but at the right time when I am comfortable and at ease. We do give kisses before he leaves and I try not to get offended when he does the boob brush - but come on! When I am in a whirlwind in the morning trying to get out the door with two little ones I need him to step off!

I do feel that we should communicate love through all of these languages but be extra sensitive to our mate's primary love language and go out of our way to incorporate it into how we love our mate. I am going to work on "Words of Affirmation" and "Receiving Gifts" and thoughtful "Physical Touch" for Jeff.

I am very interested in reading the The Five Love Languages of Children as I really need some insight into Jac's love language. He is definitely my child whose love tank runs dry.

Thanks

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for my husband. Jeff got me out of Missouri and helped me grow. He brought me back to Missouri when the support of our family mattered so much. Jeff pushed me to go farther and think bigger than anyone ever had. Jeff believes in me everyday, especially when I don't believe in myself. He is a one of a kind optimist with a sarcastic and cynical edge - it makes for an interesting combo.

I am thankful for the things that my husband cannot control. I love the way he looks, I love the way he smells. I am thankful he has good taste and is smart. I am thankful he has a great memory. I am thankful for his amazing geography skills. I love his creativity, without it things like "Camp Austin", "Spring of Fun" and the "Sports Couples Road Trip" wouldn't exist. I am thankful he has a great job that allows me to be at home with the kids and do things like write this blog. I am thankful he can build a fire.

I am thankful for the things he can control. I am thankful he makes time for me and the kids. I am thankful he likes to go camping, hiking, biking and all things outdoors. I am thankful he likes to sleep in on vacation, but still has a list of things we must see. He loves to travel and he pushes me to see places and do things I wouldn't always choose to see. I am so glad he is patient with me and my terrible memory and mommy brain.

I am grateful for the things he has given me. Without him there would be no Jac or Mia. I am grateful for the family that came with him. I am so happy to have converted to his religion. I am so thankful that my family loves him as much as I do. For all of these things and for so many more I am grateful for this husband!

Driving habits and my dear husband

In many ways my husband, Jeff, and I are very compatible. We don't have a lot of traits that are opposites. We have similar political views, similar world views, similar religious views, similar views on how to raise children, similar humor, we like a lot of the same books and movies, we enjoy each others friends and pastimes. But there is at least one thing that makes us complete opposites. How we drive.

Jeff wants to see the horizon and everything on the horizon, buildings, empty lots, people, trees, whatever. In fact he often points out planes and helicopters to the kids as we drive. This provides many benefits. He has an amazing sense of direction and once living in a city for a short time knows his way around to many different places that he has never been, simply because he drove by them. He notices advertising, smoke on the horizon and wrecks very far in advance. However, there are some pitfalls to this single minded focus on all things far away. He has a tendency to drive off the road! Which I think is a pretty big deal. He also has a pothole magnet on the front of the car, because he never pays any attention to the road immediately in front of him we are perpetually falling into a pothole.

I, however, am the exact opposite. Unless I know the road well, I don't look up. I look at the road immediately in front of me, the traffic around me and basically any danger in my path. Once I am familiar with a road (over many years), I will be comfortable and look around at the buildings, houses, trees, etc. Jeff likes to make fun of me relentlessly telling me that the action is going on out there not down on the ground. The saying, can't see the forest for the trees comes to mind. I feel strongly that I am the safer driver, wreck record set aside, because I see the immediate problem at hand. Jeff claims he is the safer driver because he is more than capable of dealing with any immediate problem, and he will see a problem coming far in advance and anticipate it. (Tell that to the tires hitting the potholes.)

What I wonder is what does this say about our personalities? I think a lot. I have a tendency to live in the immediate and look at problems from a micro level breaking them down into manageable pieces. Where Jeff is fantastic at looking at the bigger, broader picture and not allowing problems to grow out of proportion.

Which kind of driver are you?